Diapers

I bought diapers for the first time this week and it was a life-changing experience.  You may think that I have started early buying these little treasures but I hope to have a decent stockpile of diapers on top of what others will be giving to us through baby showers and such.  Planning ahead can't hurt, right?  It's never too late to start planning ahead.  

The mere act of buying diapers was not life-changing in itself.  Rather, my life changed while standing in the aisle staring at all the diaper variety in all its absorbent glory.  This was an aisle that I breezed by every other trip to the grocery store while secretly thinking to myself, "Aren't I glad I don't have to deal with that?"  Year after year passed as I left that aisle in my proverbial rearview mirror...until now.  No, this time I slowly walked down the aisle observing an entire industry trying to get my attention and make me buy bottles and wipes and jars of food and pacifiers and many other things that I only vaguely know to exist.  I was a foreigner in a foreign land but I kept going. I was surprised to find that diapers come in many makes and models.  I also learned that you buy diapers for babies like you buy dog food for dogs--by weight.  Then on top of each weight class were sizes like large, jumbo, etc.  

Anyway, it really hit me that I couldn't just walk by this aisle and pretend that Andrea just had the stomach flu or mono or something instead of actively brewing a baby.  The aisle in my rearview now filled the entire horizon in front of me.  So I stood there.  I stood there taking deep breaths and eventually reached out for a pack of the Value diapers (at the suggestion of some of our friends) for a baby ranging from 8-14 pounds.  I turned around and pushed the cart--feeling a lot heavier for some reason--towards the check out.  The next thing I knew was that I was walking by Andrea at home tossing the pack of diapers into our storage closet after showing it to her without a word.  It was a silent, awe-filled moment.

This may sound negative and I really hope that it doesn't come across like that.  While it's true that we weren't planning on this new adventure and that it really changes our future, I do not feel that life is over.  Ok, to be honest, I thought it was a few times...but that's behind me.  Truly, this change has been tough for me to accept because I still feel like an 18 year old in my mind and this is way too "adult-ish" for me.  But that has begun change and it started with a bag of diapers.  I can't deny reality any longer.  I plan to embrace it and I even plan on living out our dreams.  I am convinced it can be done. We will not only survive, we will thrive.

self-delusion?

My friend, Jon, and I are working to develop our personal mission statements using a book as our guide. The book at one point warns against people pursuing a career path that is only a shadow of what their real dreams are. For example, there are people who dream of writing for a living who settle for teaching English or working as a copywriter or something else like that. She says that we cannot live this life that's parallel to our dreams. We must go directly toward our dreams!

I wonder how that applies to my position in life. I'm a living but a shadow of my potentially fuller existence? Sometimes we ask God for a sign. "Please, God. Show me what I gotta do!" I've found that sometimes he sends that sign and we COMPLETELY miss it. I'm sure I've missed these things before.

So many times I've asked God for direction about my career and it's felt like I've been talking to my ceiling. But when I reflect on things that people have said to me over the years I start to wonder if I have missed something.

I've been told numerous times that I would be a good teacher (even though I resisted the thought of the public education system). I've been told I would be a good pastor (or perhaps a spiritual mentor of sorts). And I've been told that I write well (I suppose you can be the judge of that here). Maybe those were all signs that I drove past on my way to trying to figure out the way.

greener on the other side

Why is the saying that "the grass is greener on the other side" always seem to be true? How is it that we can never be satisfied and always be longing for something different? Ecclesiastes 1:8 says:

All things are wearisome
more than one can say
The eye never has enough of seeing
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
~TNIV

Our eyes are never satisfied, our ears keep taking in more and more stuff. We never rest pursuing things we think will make our lives better. Thus, all things are wearisome. This is not a good life.

I recently remembered something I heard once. Someone told me that, wherever I am, I need to be "all there." This is good stuff because I have almost always been longing for somewhere else or something else and have not been committed where I am at. It applies to work, but also my personal life. We need to just rest where we are at and not strive for things that will drive us crazy.

Now, I don't mean to say that there are not times when change is necessary. I still think change is good and sometimes change will revitalize your life. But this change should be decisive and not drag on for weeks, months and years. Yes, I am speaking mostly to myself about this because I am probably the one that needs to hear it most.

I need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm OK here. Change will come but I'm OK now.