Diapers

I bought diapers for the first time this week and it was a life-changing experience.  You may think that I have started early buying these little treasures but I hope to have a decent stockpile of diapers on top of what others will be giving to us through baby showers and such.  Planning ahead can't hurt, right?  It's never too late to start planning ahead.  

The mere act of buying diapers was not life-changing in itself.  Rather, my life changed while standing in the aisle staring at all the diaper variety in all its absorbent glory.  This was an aisle that I breezed by every other trip to the grocery store while secretly thinking to myself, "Aren't I glad I don't have to deal with that?"  Year after year passed as I left that aisle in my proverbial rearview mirror...until now.  No, this time I slowly walked down the aisle observing an entire industry trying to get my attention and make me buy bottles and wipes and jars of food and pacifiers and many other things that I only vaguely know to exist.  I was a foreigner in a foreign land but I kept going. I was surprised to find that diapers come in many makes and models.  I also learned that you buy diapers for babies like you buy dog food for dogs--by weight.  Then on top of each weight class were sizes like large, jumbo, etc.  

Anyway, it really hit me that I couldn't just walk by this aisle and pretend that Andrea just had the stomach flu or mono or something instead of actively brewing a baby.  The aisle in my rearview now filled the entire horizon in front of me.  So I stood there.  I stood there taking deep breaths and eventually reached out for a pack of the Value diapers (at the suggestion of some of our friends) for a baby ranging from 8-14 pounds.  I turned around and pushed the cart--feeling a lot heavier for some reason--towards the check out.  The next thing I knew was that I was walking by Andrea at home tossing the pack of diapers into our storage closet after showing it to her without a word.  It was a silent, awe-filled moment.

This may sound negative and I really hope that it doesn't come across like that.  While it's true that we weren't planning on this new adventure and that it really changes our future, I do not feel that life is over.  Ok, to be honest, I thought it was a few times...but that's behind me.  Truly, this change has been tough for me to accept because I still feel like an 18 year old in my mind and this is way too "adult-ish" for me.  But that has begun change and it started with a bag of diapers.  I can't deny reality any longer.  I plan to embrace it and I even plan on living out our dreams.  I am convinced it can be done. We will not only survive, we will thrive.

self-delusion?

My friend, Jon, and I are working to develop our personal mission statements using a book as our guide. The book at one point warns against people pursuing a career path that is only a shadow of what their real dreams are. For example, there are people who dream of writing for a living who settle for teaching English or working as a copywriter or something else like that. She says that we cannot live this life that's parallel to our dreams. We must go directly toward our dreams!

I wonder how that applies to my position in life. I'm a living but a shadow of my potentially fuller existence? Sometimes we ask God for a sign. "Please, God. Show me what I gotta do!" I've found that sometimes he sends that sign and we COMPLETELY miss it. I'm sure I've missed these things before.

So many times I've asked God for direction about my career and it's felt like I've been talking to my ceiling. But when I reflect on things that people have said to me over the years I start to wonder if I have missed something.

I've been told numerous times that I would be a good teacher (even though I resisted the thought of the public education system). I've been told I would be a good pastor (or perhaps a spiritual mentor of sorts). And I've been told that I write well (I suppose you can be the judge of that here). Maybe those were all signs that I drove past on my way to trying to figure out the way.

greener on the other side

Why is the saying that "the grass is greener on the other side" always seem to be true? How is it that we can never be satisfied and always be longing for something different? Ecclesiastes 1:8 says:

All things are wearisome
more than one can say
The eye never has enough of seeing
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
~TNIV

Our eyes are never satisfied, our ears keep taking in more and more stuff. We never rest pursuing things we think will make our lives better. Thus, all things are wearisome. This is not a good life.

I recently remembered something I heard once. Someone told me that, wherever I am, I need to be "all there." This is good stuff because I have almost always been longing for somewhere else or something else and have not been committed where I am at. It applies to work, but also my personal life. We need to just rest where we are at and not strive for things that will drive us crazy.

Now, I don't mean to say that there are not times when change is necessary. I still think change is good and sometimes change will revitalize your life. But this change should be decisive and not drag on for weeks, months and years. Yes, I am speaking mostly to myself about this because I am probably the one that needs to hear it most.

I need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm OK here. Change will come but I'm OK now.

lost

The new year has brought me to a place of reflection on the past and looking forward to new things. I have come to the conclusion that my old ways of planning have produced rather poor results. By the way, the "old ways of planning" really was no planning at all. It's like that old saying that says if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. So I am interested in change this year. I don't want another year of mediocre achievments and this year is going to be that year of change.

Probably the biggest obstacle that I am facing is a lack of direction. The way I feel makes me think back to a toy car that I had growing up. It was one of those cars that you had to roll backwards to get the little motor inside to wind up. When I let this car go it immediately shot forward but just as quickly started driving in circles. I could hear the little wheels spinning and the car essentially went nowhere. Granted, I loved this feature in the car but it doesn't translate so nicely when I compare it to life. Life without a plan goes nowhere. Years pass by and suddenly you realize that you are in the same place you were back then and--most frustrating of all--you're not any happier with who you are and what you've accomplished.

I hate this.

I also know that I am not alone in feeling this way. I've talked to several people that are lost and directionless. They don't know what they're doing and they don't know where they're going. They desperately want direction but they don't know where to find it. I have thought to myself several times that I would GLADLY do something if I simply knew that it was the right way to go. If I knew what God wanted me to do then I would tirelessly pursue it. The problem, though, is that "the way" is not merely handed to us. Obviously, there is no cosmic, heavenly road sign that points us to the road of happy fulfillment and it would seem that the mere act of finding that road is, in itself, part of our purpose.

So this year I will be in hot pursuit of this road. I know that about 85% of finding our purpose comes from looking within (according to Dan Miller, author of No More Mondays) and this can be a daunting task in our culture today. It's really easy to lose touch with who you are when we are caught up in the pseudo-reality of TV, the movies or even in the hype created by news organizations. Everything is instant and patience is now and ancient and nearly lost virtue (just think about the last time you had to sit at a traffic light for more than 2 minutes). Looking within takes a lot time when you have to get through all the superficial muck that clogs our brains. Digging through that stuff to find what's truly in our hearts can be a long and arduous task. Yet, I will do this in 2009.

Here are some other obstacles that have hindered me in the past:

1) Paying too much attention to one thing: By this I mean that I worry about one part of my life that I want to change. Really, I'm referring to my career. Since I spend SO much time at work, it's natural to want to make that something we are passionate about. The problem, however, is that it may take time to do this and I typically forget other things that will make my life good as well. For example, exercising, building relationships, getting involved with my church, etc.

2) Freaking out: Yes, I tend to freak out about being directionless. There is a lot going on in this but I essentially forget that I need to make decisions from a peaceful state of mind (or as peaceful as possible). I get all worked up that I am not doing what I ought to be doing and then I start obsessively seeking something out to fix it. I just need to relax and remember that I am OK right now. God doesn't hate me for feeling lost and I have a lot of good things going for me.

3) Forgetting about my goals: Well, truly my goals have been quite weak in the past. However, I still wouldn't make them specific enough to measure. This year I'll be checking up on myself on a monthly basis.

4) Not having fun: I am terrible at this. I believe that life was meant to be enjoyed and I make myself miserable trying to determine the next step. I need to make sure that as I am taking care of the serious business of creating a meaningful life I also need to have fun.

Conflicted

It's odd for me to compare my blog to others. The content of my blog is vastly different than what most blogs have. Most blogs relay the events of someone's day and usually points out something funny or something to be upset about. I seem to talk about things going on inside my head that no one else can see. These tend to be fairly abstract things.

I suppose that part of the reason is that very few things are interesting in my daily life. I'll show you an example:

Ok, so today I sat at my computer and answered emails. A few students came in to talk to me. Some had easy questions but most were quite needy. After sitting in one place for nearly 9 hours, I went home.

Are you hooked, yet? You can see this isn't very exciting. Anything that's interesting is going on inside my head so that's why I share thoughts. My work situation is made worse by the fact that I get bored to tears. I have deeply held beliefs about what life should be about and my work touches on NONE of those things. But I can't easily change my work because I need to get paid. I have bills to pay and we have only my income to live on.

I digress. Ultimately, the issue is that the things I do and the plans I make do not match what I truly believe to be essential to life. Adjustments need to be made and I do not mean they ought to be made only to external circumstances. I need to examine my own beliefs and see if they are realistic and grounded in truth. Once I know what I need in life, I can start making my circumstances match that.

This may still be a bit vague. I'll explain further. I run into problems when I consider decisions on where we will live, the level of comfort we will live at, what I will spend energy on, where I will work, how I spend money, who I spend time with and a host of other questions. In the last decade or so I valued things in life differently. I looked down upon the "snobs." I would have considered it a great honor to live a poor lifestyle in Romania or somewhere in Africa and be one with those that the world seemed to have forgotten. Caring for those people and not caring about my own comfort seemed to me to be the way to live my life and to not waste it on trivialities. The only work that mattered to me were those things that would clearly be considered ministry. The only education I desired was from a theological seminary.

I have already reconsidered some of the things I believe. I know amazing people that are truly good that also happen to be quite rich. I have also known people with one of those super-expensive seminary degrees that turned out to be somewhat of a jerk. I could go on but the point is that these are things that are up in the air for me. How can I really decide which class I should take at work when I don't even know what I want to study? How can I feel OK about committing to a home or a more permanent place to live when everything in me still wants to break away from the comfortable life and see the world? Doing those things could potentially make me feel very constrained if I do not determine what I truly believe and then act accordingly.

Ugh...I have dragged this conversation on far too long. I hope it made some kind of sense. It does in my head at least.

Peace!

Charting the Course

In my quest for living a purposeful and meaningful life, I have made a recent discovery that should not have come as a huge surprise. I learned that I need to know myself before I can really make any solid plans. Yes, I know that I probably should have understood this need sooner, but, hey, we all have to learn at our own (albeit slow) pace, right? Right.

There are many great resources out there to help people find their way in the the world. People are tired of boring work and boring lives. The pastor at church this Sunday quoted a book calling this the "drone zone." I think I have lived my entire working life in the drone zone. In the midst of this, I hear a lot of people talking about living out their dreams and passions. I am hearing it at church and on the radio and reading it in books. We were meant for a purpose and we hurt ourselves and others when we don't seek out and embrace that calling.

One of the best authors I've read lately is Dan Miller. He encourages people to realize that there is no longer any security in today's workplace and that each of us should identify our dreams and passions and find ways to incorporate that into our work. He says you need to identify your natural skills and talents, your personality type and then your dreams and passions. Where those areas coincide you will find fulfilling work.

The problem I always ran into was that I didn't know myself well enough to do this. I would get really excited about finding my calling and then hit a brick wall when I tried to make a plan. People sometimes say, "find what you'd do for no pay at all and then find a way to get paid for it." This is fine advice if you know what you would do for nothing. You have to know what you like, you have to know in what environments you work best. I really struggle with figuring this out. In the past, when people would ask me what I did for fun, I had no answer for them. I was always so busy and so concerned with fulfilling my obligations that I lost touch with myself.

So the first step in figuring out what God wants for your life is to learn how he made you. Figure out what makes you tick. Certain things make you happy; other things annoy you. Learn that stuff. It's a huge puzzle piece in determining how to have a fulfilling life.

Here's an analogy I'll leave you with. I was part of a garage sale this weekend. In fact, it was my first garage sale. As I walked among the many "experienced" items I spotted something that I could only describe as the top half of a pogo stick. I asked what it was and no one really knew. The discussion began as we began to examine this strange piece of hardware. It had two small handles at the top that came together to form a single, double-barreled shaft. The bottom had 2 prongs sticking down, set about 8 inches apart. Someone said, "Maybe it's missing something." Another said, "Maybe it's broken." We were confused but we noticed that these two prongs at the bottom are hollow. Someone then surmised that this might be a tool to push down into the soil and then plant seeds into the holes that would be left behind. This made sense and we could all see that this tool would do the job perfectly. However, when we put a tag on this item, the only description was "tool, $2." We learned its purpose when we discovered how it was put together. It was no longer just a tool. I believe the same applies to us all. As Shakespeare said, "Know thyself."